ARGHHH

So my week has been fairly dull. It's not that I actually have to be housebound or anything, I just choose to be to avoid talking. I am generally a massive chatter box so if I met up with friends or anything I would end up talking forever. I stuck to my speech therapy schedule meticulously and the exercises got easier and easier every single day which I was really pleased about.

So I went to see the surgeon last thursday and he had a look at my cords by using a camera and putting it up my nose and down my throat. Sounds disgusting but I have had so many in my life now it's just like having a blood test or something. He said they looked fine, slightly bruised (which is normal apparently), and are recovering nicely. He did say, however, that the posterior gap isn't closing properly. This is due to the fact that because I've had the ''bump'' on my cords for some time now that now there isn't anything there the cords are ''confused'' and just coming together as far as they are used to. Sort of like a muscle memory kind of thing. He said this can be resolved with speech therapy.

I went for my second speech therapy session today and I was looking forward to showing her my progress with the exercises. First, we discussed my appointment with the surgeon. She was confused at the bruising, and seemed to think it could have been due to the cough that I had. She said that bruising isn't normal after surgery.. *Alarm Bells* and she went onto say I sounded husky etc etc. She asked me what I would give my voice on a scale of 1-10 with a 10 being completely normal, and a 1 being horrendous. I gave myself a 5, which she wasn't happy about. If you're a professional voice user reading this, you know your voice inside out and back to front... and are SUPER critical of it's production. I have been having good days and bad days this week, and today it felt like a 5. Let's bear in mind also that I am also very nervous when going into these sessions and do get quite tense - something that isn't going to help matters.

We went on to do some exercises, and I was pleased that she said he exercises were very impressive and everything was fine. So then we added the smallest straw to my set of straw exercises, about the size of a small cocktail straw. We did some humming through it against the tissue and it was SO difficult. It was always going to be, but she was talking to me as though I should have picked it up immediately. I got the hang of it eventually, but this one takes a lot more work. Then we hummed 'Happy Birthday' through the straw and I thought I was going to cry there and then. I just couldn't do it - it was so hard and I really struggled. We started it a bit lower and it got a little easier, but all the while the vibe I was getting from her was 'this isn't normal'.

The way I look at things is that practice is key, and it is never going to be perfect on first go. Like last session I struggled with one part of the exercise and this week I nailed it. I just felt slightly deflated and don't feel any support coming from her. I am doing everything everybody has told me to do, I'm resting, I'm taking acid reflux medicine, I'm doing the exercises, I'm steaming, I'm drinking water a lot and I'm sticking to a good diet. It's a shame that it isn't going as smoothly as she may want, but the way she talks to me makes me feel as though something has gone terribly wrong with the op and my recovery... and then she tells me not to stress out about it.

Don't know what to think at the moment. Feeling less positive today.

Let's see what next week brings.

Mezzo Girl x