Wow, it has been a year tomorrow. And what a year it has been.
It is only now that I can honestly say I feel happy in myself as a performer. There have been moments this year that I have wanted to give up completely, I have cried every single day, to my mam, my teacher, my friends. I have been to see a therapist, I have drank too much in order to not think about it. It has been absolutely SHIT. I know I sound dramatic, but when something is your whole life and you're trying to make a living off it, it's horrible to feel this way and not enjoy it anymore.
I truly lost all the enjoyment and happiness I used to find in singing, until I started working with my new teacher.
She has saved me, honestly. I had been having on an off lessons from January, sporadically, and then in May I had a huge cry to my mum about how I wanted to give up and move home and forget it all and hide in my room forever. Daft. Mum told me to get my shit together, and I made a conscious effort to organise weekly singing lessons and get back on the horse. I went to see a therapist about my confidence issues, and she helped me enormously.
And then on 5th July, it all just clicked. It happened. All the notes were there, it felt easy, it felt amazing. My teacher couldn't believe it and every lesson since then she is still amazed. I feel like it's still too good to be true, but no, it's happening again!! I couldn't have been more thrilled, kept having to pinch myself.
Good timing as well, as I was invited for an important audition shortly afterwards and with it being the first audition in ages I was a little nervous. But something just came over me, and the old me 'don't give a fuck' attitude came back and I just sang. If nothing comes from that audition then I honestly will still be happy. Doing that was a huge achievement for me and right now that's the most important bit.
This is going to be my last post now. I am amazed at how many people have contacted me through this, and I do hope I have helped some of you? Please keep in touch!
Mad year. But it's over. And I am SO happy. Really bloody happy. YAY MANIA.
Goodbye,
MezzoGirl
aka Sophie Dicks
xxx
https://soundcloud.com/sophie-dicks/va-laisse-couler-mes-larmes-werther
Wednesday, 10 August 2016
Monday, 4 April 2016
#coughofdeath
Hi all!
I realise it has been a while but as you can imagine there isn't as much to update people on nowadays as my life has become normal again, ish...
So around the beginning of March I started to feel signs of a chesty cough coming on *alarm bells* and I was dreading it. I had a gig that week and lots of teaching, including students who had ABRSM exams coming up. I really couldn't afford to be ill!! It got worse and worse as the days went on and it was super painful, my chest was so tight. I had to take the entire week off work and dep out the concert. I have never in my life been so poorly from a cough/cold, I was literally bed bound. On top of this I've never truly lost my voice from your bog-standard viral cough so I was panicking, massively.
I was doing everything the doctor, and colleagues, told me. Steam, steam, steam. Drink water. Take difflam. Glycerine. Ginger. Honey. Lemon. Steam. Water. Honey. Lemon. It wasn't like I wasn't used to this kind of life, as it was basically all I did last summer, but I just couldn't feel it getting any better. When I had the polyp I would lose my voice, take a day off talking/singing and I would be back to normal straight away. So this whole situation was really alien for me and it seemed bizarre how I'd never lost my voice from something like this before, as so many people have!!
Due to the loss of earnings, the fear of all the catching up to do , being stuck in doors all day every day, and the loss of my voice I was starting to become extremely paranoid and very upset. I really thought I'd got a polyp again, and my mind was working overtime. I got a huge pep talk from my friend who assured me this was all in my head however it's so hard to not think these things after everything that happened last year.
It eventually did get better. The cough eased off and I went back to work. But my voice didn't follow suit.
My top notes were happening, my chest was happening, but it was just my middle range that felt weak and breathy. I decided to go and see my singing teacher and she assured me it was nothing sinister, just left over gunk from the cough. I continued steaming and water and all the original rituals but I was in rehearsal every day so didn't exactly have any time to properly rest my voice. Also, the show I'm doing at the moment all sits in that area C-G so it's literally not getting a break.
So a week ago today it had been 4 weeks since the #coughofdeath began and I saw no improvement in my singing. The only thing I could think to do was to go and see my ENT. I emailed him and got an appointment for the next morning. I was panicking, I had a row with my mum, crying, my head was in absolute bits because of the fear I felt that he was going to tell me the polyp had come back.
Obviously it hadn't....
And he confirmed what I knew it really was deep down, and what my friends and teacher had told me. Left over mucus from the cough which hasn't had chance to clear because I hadn't given the voice enough rest - I actually couldn't!!
So now I'm just plodding along sounding shit and hating my life until I can properly rest after this show is over. I'm booking an appointment to see a physio though for a session on my neck and larynx. Heard lots of great things so maybe this will free up some of this tension caused by absolute stress. We'll see...
Generally though, I don't think non-professional voice users really know how much this kind of thing can affect one psychologically. The fear, paranoia and constant stress that I have been feeling solely due to an illness that I had no control over. A guy who had the same surgery as me contacted me on here recently and we have been talking about how little people know about voice problems and how it is rarely talked about. I've said before it can be such a taboo subject amongst singers and I wish there was a way to stop this. In the meantime, he has started a forum where people like us can talk about what we're going through, to quote him "I've been so surprised by the lack of understanding and support around voice problems. I don't think people realise how lonely and challenging it can be".
He is bang on with that comment, so please go take a look at: www.voiceproblem.co.uk
Please keep getting in touch, I love hearing from people who enjoy reading this and hope to help in anyway I can. To contact me, please comment on a post with your email address or telephone number and I promise you I will get in touch.
Mezzo Girl
xx
I realise it has been a while but as you can imagine there isn't as much to update people on nowadays as my life has become normal again, ish...
So around the beginning of March I started to feel signs of a chesty cough coming on *alarm bells* and I was dreading it. I had a gig that week and lots of teaching, including students who had ABRSM exams coming up. I really couldn't afford to be ill!! It got worse and worse as the days went on and it was super painful, my chest was so tight. I had to take the entire week off work and dep out the concert. I have never in my life been so poorly from a cough/cold, I was literally bed bound. On top of this I've never truly lost my voice from your bog-standard viral cough so I was panicking, massively.
I was doing everything the doctor, and colleagues, told me. Steam, steam, steam. Drink water. Take difflam. Glycerine. Ginger. Honey. Lemon. Steam. Water. Honey. Lemon. It wasn't like I wasn't used to this kind of life, as it was basically all I did last summer, but I just couldn't feel it getting any better. When I had the polyp I would lose my voice, take a day off talking/singing and I would be back to normal straight away. So this whole situation was really alien for me and it seemed bizarre how I'd never lost my voice from something like this before, as so many people have!!
Due to the loss of earnings, the fear of all the catching up to do , being stuck in doors all day every day, and the loss of my voice I was starting to become extremely paranoid and very upset. I really thought I'd got a polyp again, and my mind was working overtime. I got a huge pep talk from my friend who assured me this was all in my head however it's so hard to not think these things after everything that happened last year.
It eventually did get better. The cough eased off and I went back to work. But my voice didn't follow suit.
My top notes were happening, my chest was happening, but it was just my middle range that felt weak and breathy. I decided to go and see my singing teacher and she assured me it was nothing sinister, just left over gunk from the cough. I continued steaming and water and all the original rituals but I was in rehearsal every day so didn't exactly have any time to properly rest my voice. Also, the show I'm doing at the moment all sits in that area C-G so it's literally not getting a break.
So a week ago today it had been 4 weeks since the #coughofdeath began and I saw no improvement in my singing. The only thing I could think to do was to go and see my ENT. I emailed him and got an appointment for the next morning. I was panicking, I had a row with my mum, crying, my head was in absolute bits because of the fear I felt that he was going to tell me the polyp had come back.
Obviously it hadn't....
And he confirmed what I knew it really was deep down, and what my friends and teacher had told me. Left over mucus from the cough which hasn't had chance to clear because I hadn't given the voice enough rest - I actually couldn't!!
So now I'm just plodding along sounding shit and hating my life until I can properly rest after this show is over. I'm booking an appointment to see a physio though for a session on my neck and larynx. Heard lots of great things so maybe this will free up some of this tension caused by absolute stress. We'll see...
Generally though, I don't think non-professional voice users really know how much this kind of thing can affect one psychologically. The fear, paranoia and constant stress that I have been feeling solely due to an illness that I had no control over. A guy who had the same surgery as me contacted me on here recently and we have been talking about how little people know about voice problems and how it is rarely talked about. I've said before it can be such a taboo subject amongst singers and I wish there was a way to stop this. In the meantime, he has started a forum where people like us can talk about what we're going through, to quote him "I've been so surprised by the lack of understanding and support around voice problems. I don't think people realise how lonely and challenging it can be".
He is bang on with that comment, so please go take a look at: www.voiceproblem.co.uk
Please keep getting in touch, I love hearing from people who enjoy reading this and hope to help in anyway I can. To contact me, please comment on a post with your email address or telephone number and I promise you I will get in touch.
Mezzo Girl
xx
Sunday, 24 January 2016
It's been a while...
Hi all!
I haven't posted on here in a very long time, mainly because I haven't actually had a lot to report.
Everything with regards to my singing just got better and better, and every day it was easier. Rediscovered my lower register which is nice, and my top is a lot better too. I think I can finally say I am singing like me again, which is an amazing feeling.
I have had a rather huge change in life recently, however, as I have left college. This decision wasn't based on my vocal health, it was largely the fact that I just couldn't afford the fees. I was working my socks off teaching, and working in a restaurant I sing in and I just couldn't find the time to really focus on my development as a singer. Ultimately it came down the fact that I couldn't see the point in struggling to get the money together, when I didn't feel like I was getting the best out of the institution. Due to all this, I left my singing teacher as I wanted a completely fresh start as of January on wards.
So since December I have officially been living the life of a freelance singer and singing teacher, and I couldn't be happier. I am basically living the same life as conservatoire students yet with more money, and more time to focus on my vocal technique. I'm not saying conservatoires are a bad place AT ALL, yet this was my 7th year in an institution and I think I've got what I can out of music college for the time being. It's time to experience real life I think!
Anyway, this is all irrelevant to this blog but I thought I would just keep you all informed. I have been getting COUNTLESS messages from people all over the world undergoing vocal surgery and I have done my best to be of as as much help as I can be. One thing that has surprised me was how little your surgeons are telling you. So many people haven't been advised to have speech therapy, I think this is surely a requirement? Some had never heard of steaming and some have just been told to continue speaking "normally" once you have done your few days of vocal rest. I can't get my head around all of this as in most cases, speaking "normally" was what resulted in you actually having to have surgery in the first place!
I just don't think vocal health is spoken about enough, amongst singers, teachers and people who aren't even professional voice users. I really want to change this and I think the only way for this to happen is if I share this blog publicly and tell people my story, with my professional name attached. The reason why I didn't do this in the first place is because I didn't want to feel the pressure from my colleagues once I started singing again. This doesn't mean I would have been put under any pressure intentionally, but I think people would have been listening for a change and I really didn't need that as it wouldn't have been positive towards my recovery.
I told some people, obviously, because I had to. I told my head of school, my singing teacher, my coach, close friends and of course family. I even ended up having to tell a producer of an opera company in London, a person who I trust entirely, due to the fact he offered me an amazing job which I had to turn down because I wouldn't be ready. This was a risk, as I was concerned about future employment with said company, yet my honesty paid off and said person is still in touch. Which is what it should be like! Why should I, as a young singer, be blacklisted amongst opera companies for having an operation on my cords? I don't know anybody that this has ever happened to but it was something I was worried about so much and I shouldn't have to be! Do footballers still get booked after an injury? YES! So it shouldn't be any different for singers, and it won't be if more people are honest about their situations and people talk.
It's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm a better singer now than I ever was, just need a job to prove it now!!
MezzoGirl x
I haven't posted on here in a very long time, mainly because I haven't actually had a lot to report.
Everything with regards to my singing just got better and better, and every day it was easier. Rediscovered my lower register which is nice, and my top is a lot better too. I think I can finally say I am singing like me again, which is an amazing feeling.
I have had a rather huge change in life recently, however, as I have left college. This decision wasn't based on my vocal health, it was largely the fact that I just couldn't afford the fees. I was working my socks off teaching, and working in a restaurant I sing in and I just couldn't find the time to really focus on my development as a singer. Ultimately it came down the fact that I couldn't see the point in struggling to get the money together, when I didn't feel like I was getting the best out of the institution. Due to all this, I left my singing teacher as I wanted a completely fresh start as of January on wards.
So since December I have officially been living the life of a freelance singer and singing teacher, and I couldn't be happier. I am basically living the same life as conservatoire students yet with more money, and more time to focus on my vocal technique. I'm not saying conservatoires are a bad place AT ALL, yet this was my 7th year in an institution and I think I've got what I can out of music college for the time being. It's time to experience real life I think!
Anyway, this is all irrelevant to this blog but I thought I would just keep you all informed. I have been getting COUNTLESS messages from people all over the world undergoing vocal surgery and I have done my best to be of as as much help as I can be. One thing that has surprised me was how little your surgeons are telling you. So many people haven't been advised to have speech therapy, I think this is surely a requirement? Some had never heard of steaming and some have just been told to continue speaking "normally" once you have done your few days of vocal rest. I can't get my head around all of this as in most cases, speaking "normally" was what resulted in you actually having to have surgery in the first place!
I just don't think vocal health is spoken about enough, amongst singers, teachers and people who aren't even professional voice users. I really want to change this and I think the only way for this to happen is if I share this blog publicly and tell people my story, with my professional name attached. The reason why I didn't do this in the first place is because I didn't want to feel the pressure from my colleagues once I started singing again. This doesn't mean I would have been put under any pressure intentionally, but I think people would have been listening for a change and I really didn't need that as it wouldn't have been positive towards my recovery.
I told some people, obviously, because I had to. I told my head of school, my singing teacher, my coach, close friends and of course family. I even ended up having to tell a producer of an opera company in London, a person who I trust entirely, due to the fact he offered me an amazing job which I had to turn down because I wouldn't be ready. This was a risk, as I was concerned about future employment with said company, yet my honesty paid off and said person is still in touch. Which is what it should be like! Why should I, as a young singer, be blacklisted amongst opera companies for having an operation on my cords? I don't know anybody that this has ever happened to but it was something I was worried about so much and I shouldn't have to be! Do footballers still get booked after an injury? YES! So it shouldn't be any different for singers, and it won't be if more people are honest about their situations and people talk.
It's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm a better singer now than I ever was, just need a job to prove it now!!
MezzoGirl x
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